I’ve never been much of a spiritual or religious person. I’ve gone to church when I was younger but at that age you just go because your parents most likely dragged you there when instead you would have rather been sleeping in and eating your coco puffs. You learn your bible lesson and it’s something about Jonah and the whale and you think ” Well that was a good story, but what am I supposed to do with that?”
As I grew older, I became fascinated with Charles Darwin and the theory of Evolution and the science behind human existence. I basically became an atheist. I wrote papers in my Chemistry II class on Darwin and thought that people that believed in Creationism were fools and obviously not as intellectual as I was. I mean really… God created the world in six days? I wrote off the whole concept and scoffed at people who believed. I wasn’t going to have a ” Are you there God? It’s me Chanel” moment anytime soon.
However as it often does, life has a way of throwing things at you that you try to do your best with but sometimes you just want to scream and tell it to go away. However, I never wanted to be the person that turned to God when I was going through something tough. To me that just felt like, ” Yeah, I’ve forsaken you this whole time but now that I’m having a shitty couple of days, please help me out and make it better.” So instead of asking for help which I desperately needed, again I told myself to just deal with it ON MY OWN. After all, I had my way of dealing with things. I avoided, I stuffed it down, I ate, I caused myself harm.
The thing with dealing with things on your own is that instead of solving any of the problems and unresolved feelings, you just continue to create new ones. You stretch yourself for everyone else trying to keep up the facade that everything is okay. You stretch yourself until you BREAK. Still you know best…. you have a pattern of behavior. Continue doing the same things because obviously if you can fake a smile and have everyone else believe you are just fine, then it’s working. Work yourself to the bone, secretly hate yourself, put others’ feelings before your own. Fill yourself up with anxiety and stress and insanity. Calm the insanity with food to soothe yourself.
At some point, I had just had ENOUGH. I was screaming inside to be heard but didn’t know how to be. I was so used to letting other people dictate how I felt or how I “should” feel. Even telling others’ this, it just felt like ” you are so weak, emotion is weakness, taking care of yourself is selfish”. So I turned to GOD finally. I said, ” Please help me to know what to do.” I even apologized to him because that’s something else I do, apologize for things I don’t have any business apologizing for. GOD didn’t need my apology. God told me to reach out to the right people. That’s where I’m at right now, letting him lead me to the right people and away from those that don’t serve me. It might seem horrible to some of you for me to say, ” serve me”. But by serve me, I mean people that lift me up, give me insight, teach me lessons.
Instead of apologizing, now I’m thanking him.