The past six months have been the best gift I’ve ever received in my life. It all started with saying, ” I’ve had ENOUGH! ENOUGH already. Cut this shit out!”. I was burnt out, lower than low, taking crap from people I didn’t even respect let alone care about, on the brink of taking a break from my marriage, and ready to book a plane ticket to nowhere. I didn’t care where I went, I just knew I didn’t want to be here and I didn’t want to be around anyone that knew me.
Fast Forward six months and after much soul searching with the help of a very insightful therapist, and I realize that all my answers all lie right here- in me! Imagine that. I don’t have to travel anywhere to find peace, because I can make peace. It sounds like such a novel idea and sounds trite even. Make no mistake- making peace within yourself is an excruciating process. It has took me full days ( of which still continue) of just crying and letting out all the past transgressions, the self sabotaging ways that lead me to self destruct, and turning back to my addictions to truly see what I was doing to myself. I had been ingrained to be taught I was less than, to smile when someone hurt me and just let it go, to be ashamed of my weight, to strive to be perfect, to people please and be agreeable, to stuff down my feelings. Because I had been taught this, I believed it to be how I was to be. It was so deep inside of me that I even told myself this.
Instead of allowing people to shoulder their own burdens, I took them on as my own. My mother who still needs people to take care of her ( I’ve been her emotional caretaker for years), my father who has remarried multiple times and has always taken the stance that as long as his needs are being met, then whatever the spouse did to his kids was fine, the brother who is so detached and distant that I couldn’t even tell you more than surface level things about him. All of which I considered I could fix or assist and that the defect was somehow my responsibility.
So when I was trying to figure out why I was so unhappy, BINGO. What about you, Chanel? Are your needs being met? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you establishing sustaining relationships instead of continuing to be drained by the ones that have sucked the life from you your whole life? Are you continuing to be a doormat because you think people will like you more if you’re just little miss agreeable? Where the hell is your voice? SPEAK UP. SCREAM. SHOUT. Just fucking tell people the truth.
It’s been a very confusing 6 months. I have had to look at things and realize how I contribute to them. I’ve had to become more aware. I’ve had to try to find my voice ( which by the way still seems to be caught in my throat). I’ve had to start taking care of myself. I’ve had to put myself in positions that were uncomfortable. I will continue to do these things because I know they are working.
Don’t walk through life like a zombie wondering why you’re unhappy, morose, depressed. Yes, outside appearances are entirely deceiving. Look inward. Get to know people more than the superficial perceptions. Develop a self. The self you think you are is probably not who you are. Keep asking yourself– Am I being authentic? How does this feel?