She sat wondering when it would all make sense, when this personal journey of hers for the last ten months would bring happiness, fulfillment, and peace. She wondered if she had made the right decisions and if she trusted herself to make the right decisions moving forward. She was judging every thought she had. Was she progressing or regressing? She felt lighter on some days, but on other days she felt so very heavy. The heaviness was what she tried to escape from, it laid on her chest. It sucked the breath out of her. It caused panic.
She felt that she was taking the steps toward leaving behind her disease, but she was only waist deep in its murky waters. She was trying to navigate delving in further, but was afraid of drowning. Getting further in meant that she had to trust that she would be okay without the life preserver that she thought was keeping her alive. She had to retrain herself to swim, not just to tread water. She had to trust others to keep an eye out for her on the shore, just in case she did panic or get caught up in the riptides. It was a difficult thing to do and she struggled.
She wasn’t used to writing down how she felt. She was used to stuffing it down, avoiding it. Yet, here she is everyday putting pen to paper in a journal that chronicles the journey to recovery. That takes courage. That takes strength. Old habits no longer served her, but she found her old friends waiting for her when the new friends seemed intimidating. How easily they welcomed her back. Yet, those old friends weren’t really friends at all. Simply put, they were abusive, destructive, negative, and toxic. The new friends were joyous, assertive, self sufficient, full-of-life and that scared her. Could she live up to that ideal?
The weight was a blanket of protection. It told people to stay away without having to say a word. It helped her to disappear in the background. It helped her to play out the role that she had been told to play years before. It kept her from succeeding. It allowed her to self-sabotage and self-destruct. It hid behind a smile, it hid behind helpful cheerfulness. She was dying on the inside, but you’d never know on the outside. You’d just see a woman who stood to lose weight.
She developed a food plan and exercised. She gained a group of people who understood her plight. She was able to be transparent with them. She started becoming more honest. She struggles with assertiveness, but her awareness is heightened. She has better coping mechanisms. She hopes that someday this won’t take up so much of her life, so that she may go on with her life.
How many of us tend to blame the outside world and other people for our problems? Sure, they probably play a part in it. But what role do you play? What responsibility do you take? Any? All? I’m guilty of playing the victim, the poor me, and the insecure, powerless one. I fail to even attempt things I want to do because of fear. I accept things I shouldn’t accept and don’t try to change them because the thought never even occurred to me that I could change them.
I recently took a personal inventory of my flaws and my assets. I found it much easier to accept my flaws and speedily write them down. My assets, although I did eventually rack up quite a few, were harder to come by. If someone asked me to define myself, I’d struggle with my very own definition. My sense of self is very minimal and it’s almost like I look at myself as a spectator. I keep that mentality of I’ll be okay eventually instead of saying, ” I’m okay now.” I’ve struggled with being what I thought people wanted to see from me. I played a part, became very good at shoving down my feelings, opinions, and self.
Taking a personal inventory is very eye-opening and also very tough. It allows me to take responsibility for the things I want to change in my life. It gives me back the power and the choice. But it also has ripped me a new one when I’ve realized how much I’ve let slide in my life. It makes me realize that some of those decisions I’ve made weren’t all that great. It allows me to see the resentments I’ve held onto because of ego. It helps me see that when my self-esteem and security are threatened, I retreat inside myself.
If you had to take a personal inventory, what flaws and assets would be on your list? What changes would you clearly see you need to make? Could you define yourself?
Interesting things to take a further look at. I hope all of my readers are having a fabulous week and have an adventure filled weekend.
Ultimately when we become disappointed and cynical with the world, it’s our natural inclination to turn from the very thing that disappoints us. However, you can’t change things if you turn away from them. You can’t take the action that is needed if you are too busy escaping.
LOVE yourself back to life so that you can make a life worth living for not only you but for everyone and everything around you.
It’s coming up on a year of unemployment, self-imposed. The first six months I needed to get things in order and figure out where I was going to be, what my next career choice would need to be, and what I had to do for myself to create a sustainable life. After that, it was quite a bit of hits and misses. They seem to be continuing. I have no problem getting a job. It just needs to be the RIGHT one.
Most of us take things out of desperation. I’m desperate, too. I have debt piled to the ceiling. But…. I know that my worth is much greater that what some of these jobs are willing to pay for what they are asking me to do. I can easily take it and dredge through. But I will suffer, my marriage will suffer, and my life will be utterly pointless. I don’t need to wake up with dread every morning and have a boss that reminds me of my former stepmother.
I’ve already lived that life. I survived that life. I don’t want to survive anymore. I want a complete life. I want to have a chance at recovery and joy. If that’s asking for too much, then I don’t know what else there is to do.
How many others of you are stuck in positions that have nothing to do with your passion? How many others of you are on autopilot? How many others are working for someone who can bark orders but never physically do any work themselves?
Live a life your proud of, or you’re not really living. I had 27 years of not living. I can’t afford anymore.
I was expecting to get quite a bit done today in terms of reformatting my Resume and finding contact information for certain pet food manufacturers. I’m in the process of switching my career path so that I am able to work in the pet industry. I know some of my readers already know I volunteer at a local shelter and also collaborate with my husband on a petcentric blog. It’s just something I’ve grown increasingly passionate about. You have to do what you love.
I didn’t know that today was going to be in the 80’s and sunny and beautiful. Around noon, I told myself, ” Gosh, I really want to go to the beach.” I wasn’t feeling all that wonderful when I got up. ( Welcome to being a female…) But, as the day progressed, I felt better. So instead of just thinking about going to the beach, I went! I grabbed a blanket, water, a hat, and a magazine and I was off.
It turned out to be a beautiful break in the middle of the day. I know most of you have intense occupations and can’t just go to the beach on a whim. Some of you don’t even live near a beach. But I highly suggest that as the weather gets nicer where you are, to take a drive or walk to a park during your lunch break. It will refresh you like no other.
Here are a few pictures of my adventure: